Mayors to Declare River Towns Disaster Area!

Hundreds of reporters and scientists from around the world are flying in to Duwamish Bay and surrounding areas to investigate the phenomenon of Serpent's Way, the local river that disappeared overnight.

"It was there when I went to bed," Sylvie Bloom, a local resident told the Duwamish Courier, "and then in the mornin' I got up with this real queer feeling in the pit of my stomach and I didn't know why, but like it was too quiet, and I went outside and I realized there wasn't no gurglin' sound and then I saw the dry river bed and the rocks. Didn't see no fish. The river must've took 'em with it, wherever it went."

A sad shake of the head was all this reporter could elicit from Sidney Fenstermacher the county's riverkeeper, when we asked for his theory on the peculiar disappearance. Fenstermacher, whose eclectic job consists of patrolling the banks and handing out summons to polluters, analyzing water samples, and measuring fish and water snakes, seemed dazed and disoriented. After several minutes of silence he finally spoke. "Hope folks don't blame me. I always did my best. Guess I'll have to give back the boat and hip boots. No need for them now anyways."

So far scientists are keeping mum, but residents and tourists put forth pet theories from global warming to a curse because tradition was broken when strangers were allowed to attend a New Year banquet at the House of the Serpent. Some even claim the Gorgon's fury was the cause. This has been discounted by countless eyewitness who saw her swaying happily to the music as two Australian members of the traveling troupe danced for her. The snakes and gifts she distributed to everyone present should be enough to dispel at least this one rumor.

Make no mistake, lives will change in this corner of the world, the economy will crash within a week and the future of several counties looks bleak unless the river returns as miraculously as it left. The City Council will meet tonight at 7:00pm and mayors from towns all along Serpents Way are expected to declare the entire county a disaster area, the first step before asking for International Aid.

Gianni Onadispoto--for the Duwamish Courier